


Full of Broken Thoughts, I cannot repair

by NatsukiLeeRkoLover



Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Ambrolleigns - Freeform, Angst, Ficlet, Swearing, Unrequited Love, ambreigns - Freeform, this is kind offfff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2019-12-27
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:22:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21982108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NatsukiLeeRkoLover/pseuds/NatsukiLeeRkoLover
Summary: Seth tried to convince himself that him betraying the Shield in 2014 was all worth it. All the bad that happened after was totally okay.Until it wasn't. Until he realized he messed up.Then he had to convince Dean and Roman that they could trust him again.He wasn't sure how.He wasn't sure if it would ever happen.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Roman Reigns, Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Roman Reigns/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31





	Full of Broken Thoughts, I cannot repair

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for an ask on tumblr [Link](https://sethsevolution.tumblr.com/post/189892756398/silly-thing-but-for-the-ficlets-you-should)  
> Enjoy.

It had been years.

And Seth had grown.

Had learned.

Had seen his mistakes

Had realized he put his trust in a group that got him gold. But it had also gotten him loneliness and paranoia. Seth looked over his shoulder constantly for so long. No one to have his back but paid security guards and a sad excuse for a corporate lackie that looked like Kane. No one he actually liked.

For a while he wanted to prove himself and make Steph and Hunter proud. He wanted them to hold him up in the prestige he honestly believed he deserved.

But just when he started to come to terms with what he did to the two men he cared deeply about- what he did for personal gain- he got hurt.

He was hurt bad.

And no one came to visit him.

Barely a phone call or two from the authority to find out the tine frame on his return.

But no one came to see him.

No one came to care for him.

Because he threw it all away.

And for a while he was pretty sure it was karma. It was some type of payback by some divine providence he didn’t want to believe in. Because he couldn’t believe in it. Because if there was a god- if there was some all powerful being judging the souls and hearts of man, then Seth Rollins was doomed and his work on earth to be the very best, the most popular, the one shrouded in gold- well then it would be pointless. So seth denied this was karma. He denied that this injury was some sort of sign that he had fucked up more than just a beautiful loving friendship.

But he had fucked it up.

And he continued to fuck it up when he came back. Because after the injury he became bitter. The loneliness became desperation. He craved attention. He craved the eyes of the crowd on his back. He craved the envy of his former partners.

Because envy was all he could afford when the price for love was too high.

Eventually his thoughts were darker and darker. Need and want and greed. A never ending gnawing and gnashing at his soul to soak up as much glory as he could before it was too late. Before it was all taken away from him in a split second like what had happened when he got hurt.

It could all end in a second. In one tiny miscalculation. In one small aggravated injury that decided to ruin his prospects.

And it was with those thoughts rumbling around the walls of his mind that kept him awake at night. It kept Seth’s eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. Those were the thoughts and the emotions that begged Seth to pick up a fucking phone and call someone. Anyone.

Because someone had to listen if he cried enough.

But he wouldn’t lower himself to sobbing apologies to the 2 men he had wronged.

Not until he realized he had nothing left. He had no one. No Steph. No Hunter. No Kane. No Jamie or Joey. No title. No illustrious celebration of his life.

No redemption.

No love.

There were a few times Seth felt like he could connect with Roman and Dean, again. But they quickly closed him out anytime he tried. And of course he never blamed them because it had been his fault. He did it. He betrayed them.

He shattered their trust in him years ago so why the fuck would they ever trust him again?!

More thoughts that kept him awake at night.

He was tired. So tired with no one to lull him to sleep. No gold around his waist to keep him warm. No loud snores from a Samoan in the next bed. No smell of cigarette smoke wafting in from where a lunatic smoked on the balcony.

No group hugs after a hard fought victory. No shoulder pats and soft smiles after a devastating loss.

There was no one in his corner to tag…

And it had been his fault.

But if Seth could just prove himself.

Just show Dean and Roman that he had changed.

That he needed them.

That he fucking made a super mistake and it wasn’t for the better, because in the end he could have waited for them! They could have succeeded together. He had been so damn greedy. And he had to tell them that he had learned from his mistakes.

He had grown.

He had cut his ties with the authority.

He told Hunter the truth.

He liked himself before he made that deal with Hunter.

Because before Hunter he wasn’t the plan b. He was the one making plans.

Eventually, he saw Roman and Dean coming around. He saw them not look at him with such disdain. Now it was just weariness that accompanied flinching anytime Seth stood behind either of them.

It filled him with hope.

That maybe just maybe Roman and Dean would take him as a partner again. As a brother again. As someone they could trust.

Time had to pass before they trusted him half as much as they did before June 2014. It was a work in progress.

They had to trust him.

First, he needed to trust himself.

Because that was the problem in the first place right? 

He lacked trust in his own ability and in the ability of the shield to bring the 3 of them to the top of the men’s division. He lacked trust in his own ability to lead the wrestling world without some help from the brass. He lacked the trust in himself that he would be able to make his boys happy if he became champion without them. He lacked the trust in his own desires so he ran as fast as he could so he wouldn’t do something that could ruin him. He lacked trust in himself that he made good friends who wouldn’t betray him.

So he betrayed them first.

Seth ultimately had to find in himself what he had lacked in the first place.

Love.

Love in himself.

And accept the love he had for Roman and Dean.

A love he never quite understood.

They were finally letting him in as a friend again when he didn’t knock. When he walked in on them. When he saw their lips locked and hands caressing. When his heart broke.

And he realized that his betrayal had been a silver lining for them. Because they ended up together to starve off the mistrust and loneliness that steel chair to the back created. He pushed them into eachother's arms.

And he should have been happy for them.

But his eyes blurred with tears.

Because he could have been with them. He could have been a part of that. He could have been feeling their warm hands in his and their lips on him.

But he wasn’t sitting with them and holding them. They weren’t holding him.

Because he did what he did.

And it was his fault.

They noticed him closing the door. He was sure of it, because when he turned from their shared room the door had opened. And when he turned the corner to get away, he saw Roman watching him with big eyes.

But he couldn’t let Roman see him like this. Crying. Face red and puffy. Eyes glassy and full of pain.

Because he was supposed to be happy for them.

After a night of holding onto a bottle of vodka like it would soak up all his frustration, loneliness, soul searching, and heartache from the last few years- Seth decided he could only win their trust back solidly in one way.

He had to keep Dean and Roman’s relationship (whatever it may be) quiet. He couldn’t ever tell a soul. And he had to accept it. Because he couldn’t let them know that not being part of their relationship hurt more than his knee injury. Hurt more than realizing his initial problem was with himself. Hurt more than betraying the men he loved for a stupid championship.


End file.
